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Post by chinadoll17 on Jan 27, 2017 4:48:21 GMT
Thank you ladies for your kind interest and advice. It's good to know there are others who know the pain. I feel for you going through this too. There is more bizarre behaviour. He comes to stay with me a few nights at a time, but this is getting less and less often. We have a date night every week, usually, we go for a meal or maybe the cinema. (He always holds my hand in the cinema). When we get back here he used to want to make love but now just puts the TV on. We see one another an extra night if we go to a country music show, we are both fans of this. He used to be a drummer in a country band for years. So I see him once a week mostly or maybe twice. In between we talk on the phone. However this very regimented. He gives me 3 rings when he is ready to talk and I have to ring him back. We both are on a package where we get an hour free. When the hour is up that is it. You can ring off and ring back to start again for free, but even if we are in the middle of something, he doesn't like me to do that, he doesn't want to talk any longer. He usually rings about midnight, he can't be ready before that, I've asked and asked him not to be so late, but it soon creeps back to that. When we go out he is always an hour or 2 late arriving. Even if something is booked he will be late. No explanation. I was ill the other week and he came to see me once. He arrived at 11pm and stayed till 3 am. He said he was dry and asked me to make him a cup of tea. I thought to myself I am ill, it would be nice if you made me a cup of tea. He never makes me a cup of tea, only at his house, that has only been a few times in 3 years. He won't even change a light bulb for me now. It must sound like I am always complaining about him, there are some good things of course. I must do things that annoy him but if I ask him he doesn't say much. Before we married we could talk about anything, but now it is very difficult to have a personal conversation with him, he either gets grumpy or changes the subject. There were some disturbing things in the past. I found out after we married that he was writing to russian 'women', I think they are men, as it is usually a scam but he didn't know that. This was still going on while he was seeing me. He used to call them his 'special angel' something he always called me. Since I challenged him this he has never called me that again. He went back to the little boy thing, saying writing to them was like a little boy playing with his toys, and he didn't want to put them away. This went back a long way as I discovered he had been writing to them while he was with his previous lady friend of 5 years. I have never heard of a marriage quite like this. My son has been saying for some time it is not a marriage. My son is 47 and happily married with 3 children. My daughter is 42 and is divorced. She had some similar issues with her husband, no porn but a lot of neglect. He used to ignore her and she ended with him not looking at her naked, so she understands. In the end he said he just liked to know she was there and that was all. Anyway they are both mature adults and I can discuss these things with them. They both believe he has an issue with porn and doesn't treat me right. I will look into some kind of counselling as this is all so stressful and upsetting. I am not sleeping well at all, with all this buzzing round in my head and trying to make sense of it.
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Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 27, 2017 5:01:52 GMT
I can agree this doesn't sound like a marriage. May I ask how old you and your husband are? The way you described his behavior I thought maybe he was in his early 30's. Do get counseling so you can take care of yourself. Your husband really needs a lesson in romance and commitment. He really isn't acting like a husband or a partner. He, in my opinion, is acting like a teenager who is in his first relationship and isn't sure he wants to be in a relationship. Has he had commitment issues with others? Has this behavior of phone calls been the norm throughout the 3 years of marriage?
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Post by chinadoll17 on Jan 27, 2017 18:37:15 GMT
If you think my husband is acting like a teenager, you probably won't believe this. I am 73 and my husband is a 75 year old great grandfather! You would think he would know how to treat a wife by now. I only know what he has told me about his past, he married his first wife when they were very young. Still in their teens. They had 3 children. He said she had a lot of affairs over the years. I thought she was awful, but do wonder now if it was her way of coping. She died at age 49, and eventually he married again. They were married about 13 years I think, as I said no sex for 6 of those years. He said she was always accusing him of having affairs, he said she was mad, but maybe he did act suspiciously and he is very secretive. Anyway she just walked out in the end. Following this he had a 5 year long distance relationship. He used to stay with her for 10 days and then 10 days at his house. He said it was a bone of contention with her that he wouldn't let her go to his house. He is a hoarder and very untidy. He told her this and she said she would help him sort things out, but he wouldn't have it. She eventually finished with him. I met him about 8 months after that relationship ended. Yes the phone calls have always been the same. I would like to thank stepbystep for telling me about betterhelp.com I have looked into that and I will try it out.
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Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 27, 2017 19:30:42 GMT
Wow, 73 and 75, did not see that one coming. He's a hoarder you say? I assume that means his place probably is messy to the point where most people wouldn't be able to tolerate it. Is that how it is, maybe he is trying to keep you away from that because he is ashamed of his behavior?? If his former wife had affairs, maybe that's part of why he went to porn, or maybe she had the affairs because she knew about the porn and he didn't stop? If his second wife suspected affairs that's sad, and if he is acting strange now that isn't great. I can see how her not being allowed over to his place could cause arguments. Has he ever gotten help for the hoarding? I don't know much about hoarding but do you see a full blown disorder? If I were you, maybe look into hoarding disorder and see if the description fits your husband, and if so, maybe ask if he wants to get help? With hoarding, the people get emotionally attached to the things they hoard so it would be very emotionally stressful for him to give those things up so I can see why he would have refused his former wife's offer. You definitely check out betterhelp, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
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Post by chinadoll17 on Jan 28, 2017 18:14:00 GMT
His house was extremely cluttered, newspapers going back 10 years piled high up on the dining table, you couldn't see the table. More newspapers and plastic bags on the landing and study upstairs. Boxes, boxes everywhere. He told me he used to be spick and span until his mother died about 10 years ago. He says he gave up then. As he is now having to sell, his son, daughter and son's lady friend have been there sorting and clearing everything, loads gone to the tip apparently. I am not invited to go but he showed me some photos he has taken since it is tidy and it does look transformed. The estate agents were coming to take photos yesterday so it did need to be clear. I know something about hoarding, I am a hoarder myself. My daughter has been helping me, I just didn't know where to start on my own, but she is very good. We have a laugh sometimes, like when she found towels that were more hole than towel, they were a wedding present in 1973!. She held them up and I decided to take a photo. I put this on Facebook for a laugh and it did get some comments from friends. I can laugh at myself which I think helps. I have signed up with Betterhelp and they have matched me with a counsellor. She has asked me some initial questions and I have just replied giving her the outline of my situation.
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Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 30, 2017 20:51:04 GMT
Oh, I assume he was close with his mother if that was the catalyst for his hoarding? I am glad that you signed up with Betterhelp and have been matched with someone. I hope the counseling goes well!
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Post by chinadoll17 on Jan 30, 2017 21:31:13 GMT
I think things are looking up at last. We had a long talk last night. At first it was denial,he denied all he said. He said he thought I was unhappy and could we try and sort things out. I explained how I feel and I think he's beginning to realize the state of our marriage and everything. As far as our sexual relationship is concerned I think there have been some crossed wires. He insists he does want to have a loving relationship. He said he thought I was giving out vibes for him to keep away from me. I explained I thought the same about him. The way things stand at the moment he is going to make a real effort and I will support him, we think we should put some fun back as we used to have lots of fun and were very close when we were courting. He says he has kept away from porn recently, we shall have to see, but he willing gave me his password for the emails and there was no evidence. He said he put the password in wrong and the broadband provider asked him to create a new one. I can believe that as PayPal did that to me a while back. It seems to worry them about security. I know things take time, but at least I am hopeful now. Thanks for listening.
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Post by chinadoll17 on Feb 1, 2017 22:25:59 GMT
I am not so sure now. There has been a link to hotmail appear on the top of my browser where sites visited appear. It has puzzled me. Today I went in and it wanted me to sign in. I put in my email address and it said there was no account for that email. I then put my husbands in and it accepted it and asked for the password. I tried all 3 of his. He said he only had 2 for years, but now has this recent new one. None of those worked so it has an entirely different password. We have agreed to be open and transparent so I am going to ask him for the password tomorrow. If he gives it to me, all well and good but if he refuses, I shall be very suspicious. Does this sound suspicious to you, or am I being silly.
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sopie123
Junior Member
4.21.15 ❤
Posts: 46 
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Post by sopie123 on Feb 2, 2017 15:30:06 GMT
Sometimes when you clear the history the email signs out. On my partner's lap top he uses Bing not google so his account isn't signed in on google. On his phone his email sometimes isn't signed in. But I trust him and he hasn't given me a reason to doubt. You have to go with your heart. When I snooped I did so cuz I had a gut feeling mostly cuz of his behavior. Trust me I'm still scared sometimes but you have to build trust. Talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. I wouldn't advise snooping because if he's tech savvy he'll know. It'll just make him hide it. Since I've stopped snooping my partner has volunteered his phone to me sometimes. Also with the ads it's likely cookies stored from what he looks at. I had to go through my partner's email and delete his whole activity and it removed the cookies so there's no more weird ads. It could be old ads but he could also be on websites with inappropriate ads.
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Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Feb 8, 2017 19:04:28 GMT
Have you guys ever considered getting accountability software? on RebootNation this addict swears by Ever Accountable, which is an accountability software that tracks internet history and at the end of the week, it sends the report to the partner. Honestly, in my opinion, if a person is serious about recovery and being honest, they shouldn't fight you if you mention accountability software.
My partner and I have discussed this for when he gets a laptop and agreed that he would want the software on there so he can truly prove to me that he is in recovery and being honest.
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Post by chinadoll17 on Feb 14, 2017 4:03:26 GMT
Just to let you know. Things are much improved with my husband. We have had some long talks, and he is being much more loving and open. The counsellor at Betterhelp is understanding and gives good advice. So I am hoping. Thanks for listening.
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Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Feb 14, 2017 14:55:15 GMT
I am so glad to hear things are going better Chindadoll! I hope the Betterhelp counselor keeps helping you guys!
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Post by bhunter on Feb 26, 2017 12:53:55 GMT
Wow Great list of articles and very true. Sadly partners with pa don't think they are cheating  Even after my partner admitted his addiction a mth ago it took another 3 wks to get him to understand how I felt about him cheating on my emotionally even if it's not physically.... |
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Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Feb 26, 2017 15:49:44 GMT
When I first found out about my partner's addiction I was horrified and told him that it was cheating, especially because I set the "no porn in a relationship" boundary before we got into a relationship. It took him I think 3-4 months to really truly be able to understand that porn is cheating. It can take a while for the PA to admit that it was cheating in the relationship, especially if the PA knew our feelings about porn in the first place. It's them going through denial, that what they did "wasn't so bad", until they do in fact realize what they did was bad, and much worse than they could have wrapped their heads around.
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Post by chinadoll17 on Feb 26, 2017 16:09:02 GMT
The first time I found out my husband had watched porn I was devastated and it certainly felt like cheating, which I firmly believe it is. He says he hasn't watched it for quite some time, claims he can't remember when the last time was. I tend to believe him, but sadly he still refers to it as just 'titillation'. While he sees it like this, I feel sure if he feels like watching it, he will. He's always said it's not against me, (which it is!) and that it is obviously more important to me than to him, as afterwards he forgets about it. Well of course it is important to me. What about 'forsaking all other'.
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