Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 20, 2017 23:06:25 GMT
Still in denial? Kimba, you're kimba from reboot nation yeah? I am sorry to hear that, maybe sharing one of those articles will help? I know the first article really reached my partner and changed his mind on porn.
Very good list of articles thank you. My husband seems to have realised now that it is cheating. It was a hard road to get that understanding from it, they make so many justifications for what they are doing.
Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 23, 2017 19:42:39 GMT
Yeah, most guys don't view it as that, and it can be hard for them to see when they're in their addiction. They really do make a lot of justifications (i.e. every guy does it, there's no problem with this, you're over reacting, etc.)
Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 23, 2017 23:48:26 GMT
Yes, porn use within a relationship is cheating. How long have you known about your husbands porn use? Does he know how badly his use harms you and your relationship with him? There are PLENTY of articles talking about how porn use is not healthy because it can cause PIED, and make the person less attracted to their partner and so on. Just google harmful effects of pornography, and find a good article and maybe show him? Have you ever shown him articles? Or had a sit down conversation about the usage?
I have been married 3 1/2 years and found out about my husband's porn use about 2 years ago. I saw some emails from porn sites where he had bought credits. I asked him about this and he said he didn't go on them regularly and if it upset me he wouldn't do it. I don't know how long that lasted. His attitude has always been that it is harmless, he says he has seen a lot of porn in his life. I have shown him articles about how it affect wives but he just scoffed at them and dismissed them. He thinks women should just accept it. I have had conversations with him about it but he just doesn't believe there is any harm to anyone. Sex has become less and less, it is months now, he shows no interest at all in me, and isn't interested in my feelings. He told me recently he has lots of fantasies about having sex with different women and suddenly changed his email password
Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 24, 2017 21:12:08 GMT
I am so sorry to hear that Chinadoll. Have you ever sat down with him to talk about the porn in a serious way? Have you ever shown a lot of hurt or emotion when talking about it? I know my partner didn't truly understand the extent of the pain I was in until I broke down many times about it. Have you discussed therapy? Couples therapy? Have you mentioned how the lack of a sex life has effected you? Have you told him that it hurt to know he was fantasizing about having sex with other women? It sounds like he is in the stage of denial about his addiction. That is one of the most painful stages in my experience as a partner. You see the damage it does to him, and you are experiencing the damage as well on your end. It also is worrisome that he changed his email password, did you ask him why he did that?
I have had talks with my husband quite a few times about the porn. He just tries to convince me its just a bit of fun. He said its not against me, but it is if he is not interested in any loving or sex life with me. I have talked to him about the lack of sex and he agrees but a couple weeks later it is all back where it was. He won't sit on the couch with me and cuddle up. I've told him I'm upset but he says its all in my head and keeps changing the subject to something impersonal. He doesn't seem to think I have feelings, but sometimes jokes about me having 'build up'as he calls it. I playfully tickled his cheek in bed at new year but he angrily told me not to do it and pushed me off. He says his emails are private and no one should see them except him. I found his profile on Ashley Madison and he hotly denied it saying it wasn't him and he must have been hacked, but my son who is an IT consultant said it that was so they would have certainly got into his bank, which no one has. He says he can take or leave porn but I suspect he is heavily into it though have not proof of that. It is all very distressing and sometimes I feel I will have a nervous breakdown. Thanks for listening.
Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 25, 2017 22:01:42 GMT
Stepbystep is right, that is not okay. Those are definitely signs of addiction affecting his life. If you aren't in counseling, I suggest that as a first step to taking care of yourself. Marriage and relationships are about compromise and respect. If you are not okay with porn in your relationship that is something that he should understand, of course being an addict he would be in denial and make you feel bad about that, which isn't okay. The fact that is was on Ashley Madison is definitely not okay. I've had my fair share of nervous/panic breakdowns, and the stress of having a partner that is in denial can really cause a lot of stress, so I would definitely seek out counseling as soon as possible to ensure that you are okay and stable through all this.
I would like to just tell you a little about my life. This is my 4th marriage. Not as bad as it sounds. My first husband who I was only married to 3 years when I was young was abusive. I had baby son and divorced when he was a toddler. I have then had 2 very happy marriages with very loving men, but have been widowed twice. So I have experience of good and bad marriages. My present husband was loving enough before we married and seemed very keen, but from the day we married he has got more and more distant. We used to sit on the couch snuggling up but that stopped the day we married. I couldn't understand. He has been married twice before widowed, then divorced. The porn seems to have been around from what he's told me. He said his first wife liked it and they watched it together, this may have been the start. His second wife hated it and she found some porn videos which she cut up. He says she was mad to do that, but I told him I agreed with her. Apparently they had no sex for the last six years of their marriage (maybe a trend with him) and he said he 'sometimes' watched porn while she was out. So he has been seeing porn for many years as far as I can make out, though he always says its occasional. My marriage is complicated by the fact we have never lived together. This was supposed to have been some problem with the house and the divorce settlement which left him in debt. That is now coming to an end and he has to sell. He now says he is getting another place on his own but I can visit. I have to have an appointment at this present house. I turned up to surprise him one day and he was very cross and said it was wrong and is still cross to this day about it. All this makes it very difficult to know much about the porn. I have never been near his computer. The email issue has been on and off. The day i saw the emails where he had paid on a couple of porn sites for a few weeks, i was so shocked i just sat there shaking. if there is any mention of emails he changes his password. Then maybe he will let me know it later. This time though nothing has been said and it is completely out of the blue. he receives about 100 emails from porn sites every day, he says they are spam but so many? i just don't know. Lately he has been saying these things like when he was watching a drama with a nude woman, back view, and he gleefully told me she had a lovely bottom. He never looks at mine. Then there is the recent fantasies. Another thing is he never looks at me undressed, even before sex, when there was some, he shuts his eyes, i asked him why and he said he is thinking of the pleasure to come but i thought that was part of the pleasure for men. i now suspect he is drumming up some image to use when with me. is that awful of me. My intuition won't stop shouting at me that he is into a lot of porn. This week he has started saying he thinks about me all the time, that is confusing me. He says he loves me, but actions speak louder than words. He can be very nice to me, sometimes complimenting me and others ignoring me. I don't see that much of him, and don't know what he is doing at that house. it all makes me feel like a nasty suspicious woman, but things are far from right. my daughter (from my second marriage) and my son are very supportive, they are the only ones i've told. As for counselling I don't know where you are but i am in the UK and counselling is very expensive here as far as i know. I don't think he would go but i probably do need it. Sorry for rambling on, it has helped just getting it all out though.
Post by AnonymousAnnaXOXO on Jan 26, 2017 16:45:14 GMT
Chinadoll, first off, I am so sorry about the abusive husband, and being widowed twice ...I can't imagine the pain. I can see that you are a strong and resilient woman. Your current husband... to me it sounds like he doesn't understand marriage very well (?) I mean I am already living with my partner (I am 23 and he is 22, and we are going to be engaged). I can definitely say that if I got married to him, that automatically means that we would live together if we weren't already living together. I can understand finances from other marriages and divorces, but seeing as he is selling his house, I would have assumed he would have wanted to live with his wife, not buy a separate house. Why would you have to make an appointment to see your husband at his house? That is just really bizarre behavior. I, personally have never heard of a marriage like that.
I can relate to finding out about porn and shaking and being in shock. That is one of the worst moments to endure. Him changing passwords isn't a good sign. Also, in marriages, my personal belief is that there shouldn't be secrets. Honesty is the best policy. All lies and secrecy do are build a wall between you and your partner. The number of emails... yikes! I can also relate to watching tv with nudity. In the beginning of my relationship my partner, every time there was a woman on the screen with any nudity would say "boobies" to make it not awkward in his mind. To me, I felt horrified and embarrassed like I wasn't good enough so he had to point out another woman. We don't watch tv with nudity anymore and if it shows up we both look away (I'm anorexic so I compare myself which leads to starving). Over time I have rebuilt my self-esteem and confidence and my partner never meant it as they were better looking, he just always felt uncomfortable with nudity on TV.
That is very strange to hear that your husband won't look at you naked. Honestly, that is horrifying to hear. To me what your husband is saying is a lie, but I don't know the situation. I think he might be doing what you suspect, fantasizing. It really does sound like he has a porn addiction, a pretty strong one. I have told my partner a million times that actions speak louder than words. It's taken him 7.5 months to even start to act accordingly, let alone think it's true. I understand feeling dirty about all this. I hate being a suspicious or controlling person, and my partners' addiction brought out the worst in me while I was trying to get him to see his addiction. How old are your kids? I am glad they are supportive. And are they attached to your current husband, or when you explained the situation, did they seem not as shocked? Kids are great at sensing their surroundings and when things are off, so if they aren't shocked by whatever you told them then that might mean your intuition is right. Personally, the way you describe it, I believe strongly your intuition is right. Counseling can be expensive. I'm from America, I have insurance and some counselors and therapists can be up to $300 without insurance. Luckily the person I go to takes insurance and there is a small co-pay. I don't know how health insurance works in the UK though.
No need to be sorry about rambling! This is what the forum is for. It is for partners who need support and a place where they can vent and let it all out in a safe place.
I did some counseling through betterhelp.com, the counselors work via an app (or online) and you write back and forth with them. That was more affordable than going to an office. I'm in New Zealand, but originally from the UK. Counseling here is expensive as well, I could get some for free as I got depression from what was happening but it was quite limited, and they also offered us some free couples counseling but it was only 6 sessions and quite possible we would get someone with no idea about porn addiction and I didn't want to turn up to couples counseling and be told porn is normal and I'm over reacting, cos I would have gone postal lol.
I agree with Anna that the marriage situation sounds very bazaar, I also have never heard of a married couple living apart, or needing to make an appointment to see your own husband. It seems maybe he wants the perks of having a woman around but without any of the true commitment or intimacy that should be there.
It's a really tough situation.
If counseling is too expensive there is a site called bloomforwomen.com, it has some free resources or you can join and go through their courses, it's for partners or porn and sex addicts. I've started doing it alongside my counseling and finding it very useful. It's $37 US a month, so not too outrageously expensive.